What a dick time of the year. With all the big Oscar contenders having been rammed down our throat the last couple of months, and not a summer blockbuster in sight for another few weeks yet, you'd be forgiven for thinking that was a bit of tumbleweed you just saw blowing through the cinema. It's fine if you like comedy; you gots your romantic comedies, your teen comedies, your action comedies, your tragi-comedies, your "didn't realise that was a comedy" comedies, and all the other stuff Hollywood thinks is funny.
Here at TheOneLiner, we're not laughing, and so it is written that we shall turn to the Dark Side; the Dark Side of the video store that is. When the Hollywood movie factories fail, it's time for the straight-to-video boys to fill the void. It might be months before Terminator 3 arrives, but you can bet there's a suitably trashy substitute/rip-off waiting in the wings of the section headed Sci-Fi at your local Blockbuster.
Ever the ones to put your interests before our own, we at TheOneLiner are about to enter the shadowy world of cheap xerox movies and even cheaper special effects. For your pleasure, Tippy is going to be looking at some of the more viable "cyborg killing machine" affairs; movies that extoll the virtues of bio-mechanical ressurrection and huge guns with big plastic bits bolted on. I, on the other hand, will be turning my attention to the equally popular "mutant monster" genre; thrill to giant squids, snakes, crocodiles, and probably hamsters for all I know.
Yes folks, take it from us. Some silly American twat sticking his knob in a microwave in American Teen Pie Giggles 7 is not funny. Men in rubber lizard suits and Vernon wells with tubes sticking out of his face, on the other hand, are prime examples of the unintentionally humorous scenarios we should all learn to revell in. Forget Bruce Willis blowing up space rocks; people with washboards stuck to their chests pretending to be robots are the way forward. So come take our hands as we lead you through the occasionally competent and the usually downright shambolic world of low budget cinema. Just don't spill Don 'The Dragon' Wilson's popcorn on the way...
- Cyborg Cop
- Crocodile
- Cyborg Cop 2
- Octopus
- Alien Intruder
- Cyborg 3
- Armageddon
- They Live
- Cyber Tracker 2
Dear god no, not Cyber Tracker. I have panic attacks just thinking about it.