Star studded awards ceremonies? Glittering cavalcades of celebrities you've never heard of? Steve Martin? Nadgers to that.
Welcome to the first ever 'theOneliner Wonderful And Terrible' Awards, or the Twatties as they're affectionately known round these parts. Winners of these prestigious awards receive not only the honour (or shame, as the case may be) of recognition from the last bastion of movie related truth on the internet but also the lowest denomination of book token we can find. With no further ado, let's kick things off with the boring sensible awards that everyone dishes out before getting to the real meat and potatoes of proceedings. The rough guidelines for eligibility in the awards is "stuff we've seen in a U.K. cinema this year, barring rereleases and random one off showings". Anyone wishing to argue about this should direct their comments to someone who gives a damn.
Best film - Lost in Translation
Going by our largely improvised rules this is eligible for awards and pretty much sweeps the floor with anything released this year by a considerable margin in pretty much every category bar visual effects. A masterpiece.
Best actor - Bill Murray (Lost in Translation)
A perfect portrayal. Why he followed it with the voice of Garfield remains a mystery however.
Best actress - Scarlett Johansson (Lost in Translation)
See above, sans Garfield comment.
Best director - Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation)
Stiff competition from Sam Raimi's Spidey 2, but Coppola proves the The Virgin Suicides was no fluke and isn't just here on Daddy's shirttails.
Best visual effects - Spider-man 2
In a year that's seen many pretty good movies but few superb ones it's only fair that Raimi's Spider-man 2 get a mention. Dodging any possible staleness that could come with a sequel he not only delivers a terrific movie but sets up at least another three movies as well.
The Full Frontal memorial award for outstanding awfulness - Van Helsing
Not so much a monster mash as a waste of cash, Stephen Sommers spunks away what could have been a solid franchise by running through as many of Universal's back catalogue of bad guys as quickly as possible. A soulless, thrill-free crapfest you'd be very wise indeed to avoid.
Biggest Tabloid uproar - Sex Lives of the Potatomen
If there's one thing the National Lottery is good for, it's sensationalist column inches especially when the 'good cause' the Fund chooses to dish the money out to turns out to be a duff film. Sex Lives of the Potatomen certainly sucked, perhaps not as badly as the ensuing press witch hunt warranted but Lottery funding for the arts always twists someone's knickers and this was no exception. The Passion of the Christ was plastered over the newsprint just as much, but has to be excused as it did actual provoke the odd worthwhile discussion on faith. Sex Lives of the Potatomen provoked nothing but a sense of being diddled out of a fiver, which guarantees it's position for this year.
Sandiest, Foggiest House in a motion picture - House of Sand and Fog
Rightly, or as it turned out wrongly last year was labelled the Year of The Matrix, this year will have to be remembered as the year of the Sandy, Foggy house movie. While there have been many worth challengers, notably Biggie Giggleswick's Villa of Silcatious Mist and enfante terrible Sonic T. Ribbleshit's controversial Rock Fog up in da Hizzizi, the award must clearly go to the film that launched a thousand imitators, Vadim Perelman's House of Sand and Fog. Respect.
Least necessary appearance in a motion picture - Chuck Norris (Dodgeball)
"Thank you, Chuck Norris", spake Vince Vaugh in yet another Silly Ben Stiller Comedy, a subgenre all of it's own. "What's Chuck Norris doing in this film, dammit", spake the bewildered audience. Narrowly edged out competition from Michael Hasslehoff and Bill Shatner in the same movie.
Most shockingly mislabeled film - Churchill: The Hollywood Years
For future reference - comedies should be funny, typically achieved by containing jokes. This didn't, therefore it sucked the snot out of a dead horse's head.
Least convincing invented history - King Arthur
The untold true story? Cobblers.
The Titanic award for foregone conclusions - The Passion of the Christ
Titanic sank, Jesus got nailed. Would it have killed Gibson to mix things up a little? Add a few time travelling killer robot monkeys? Or at least a talking pie?
Fattest Goth in a motion picture - Ethan Suplee (The Butterfly Effect)
A movie so bad I suspect it was deliberate, the only thing topping Ashton Kutcher's hilarious reaction to waking up finding he's lost his arms was the inclusion of Ethan Suplee's Thumper The Big Fat Angry Goth, so memorable that round these parts at least the movie will be remembered forever as The Fat Goth Movie. Fat Goth, we salute you.
Best Chris Walken monologue - Welcome to the Jungle
One day Christopher Walken will stop making films and the world shall be a significantly more miserable place. His mainstream days of box office success while experiencing the thoughts of a scared monkey in Brainstorm may be behind him but he can be relied on to bust out a few supporting roles a year, with the apparent contractual obligation of at least one surreal monologue per flick. Comfortably beating out the "his art is death and he's about to paint his masterpiece" schtick from Man On Fire and his little diatribe against women in The Stepford Wives, his tooth fairy monologue in the vastly under appreciated Welcome to the Jungle is a work of a madman's genius. Shouldn't come as too much of a surprise as by his own admission Peter Berg and his team spent most of the shoot thinking up cool things for Walken to say.
Saddest Camel in a motion picture - The Story of the Weeping Camel
Rightly, or as it turned out wrongly last year was labelled the Year of The Matrix, this year will have to be remembered as the year of the Sad Camel movie. While there have been many worth challengers, notably Hotcake R. Gangplank's Depressed Dromedary and enfante terrible Derek Chewbacca's controversial Camels on the Edge of Reason, the award must clearly go to the film that launched a thousand imitators, Byambasuren Davaa and Luigi Falorni The Story of the Weeping Camel. Respect.
Style / Substance mismatch award - Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
While the beautiful Hero would sneak under the wire for a 'most stylish film' category this year, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow would run it close. Inspired by common 'golden era' sci-fi design sensibilities and presented in a lush psuedomonochrome, it's perhaps the most remarkably stylised film we've seen in recent years. Sadly in narrative terms it's the most remarkably turgid excitement-free 'adventure' we've seen in recent years. Mmmph.
Best death in a deleted scene - Chris Walken (Welcome to the Jungle)
A second award for the man, the myth, the legend, Christopher Walken. Essentially the same as that of the cinematic release, but with an added quizzical look at a passing porcine. His haunting last word of "Pig" would have been up there with "Rosebud" in cinematic history had Peter Berg left it in, but he clearly opted for more solemn, less farmyard inspired offing of his central villain. Boo.
Most contrived and ill-considered psuedoscience in a motion picture - Godsend
Cloning. Controversial subject, and the basis for piss poor horror effort Godsend. Wasting a talented cast and a chance to examine the morality of human cloning, a hot potato around the time of its release it decides instead to invent some baffling 'clones will be identical until the age of the original's death, at which point nightmarish demons and banal dialogue shall occur' limitation on the procedure to the net benefit of no-one. Proving that a silly mid-budget horror ought not to enter the realm of ethical debate of scientific issues, this pseudoscience laden festival of turgidity ought to be avoided by everyone.
The George Galloway faecal agitation award - Fahrenheit 9/11
The game ain't over until the fat man sings, and seeing as Bush got himself re-elected in a undeniably legit manner this time I suppose Mr. Moore is currently whistling Dixie. Throwing out some tenuous and largely unsubstantiated innuendo connecting the Bush family and the House of Saud and glossing over the possibility that there was a legitimate case for a war on Iraq (not necessarily the one that ended up being used, right enough) Fahrenheit 9/11 certainly put a cat amongst Republican pigeons. Entertaining op-ed piece but hampered by being as close to a documentary as King Arthur was, there's no denying that this is the most controversial and debated political statement to hit a multiplex.
Coldest Mountain in a motion picture - Cold Mountain
Rightly, or as it turned out wrongly last year was labelled the Year of The Matrix, this year will have to be remembered as the year of the cold mountain movie. While there have been many worth challengers, notably Franklin Roosevelt's Chilly Hillock and enfante terrible Padisha Emperor's controversial Frozen Outcropping, the award must clearly go to the film that launched a thousand imitators, Anthony Minghella's Cold Mountain. Respect.
Best Samurai in a motion picture - Beat Takeshi (Zatoichi)
Bumper year for swordplay this, with Tom Cruise and Ken Watanabe slicing and dicing in The Last Samurai, the more sedate stylings of The Twilight Samurai, Tarantino's homage to all things oriental in Kill Bill and latecomer When The Last Sword Is Drawn all looking for a portion of your entertainment dollarpound. Standing head and shoulders above everything else however was Takeshi Kitano's top drawer Zatoichi, mixing humour and violence in the way only the Beatmeister can. Making Tarantino's best efforts look decidedly second rate, it's our pleasure to salute Kitano as the kitana-swingingest bad boy Samurai in town.
Most Utterly Appalling Largely Non-Geographical Accent Of The Year Award - Billy Connolly (The Last Samurai)
Quite where the legendary Billy Connolly was intending U.S. Army Sergeant Zebulon Gant to hail from remains something of a mystery, going by the accent at any rate. He's Venezuelan - Irish, I think.
Best destruction of a franchise - Blade Trinity
You'd have thought Alien vs. Predator would have been a shoe-in for this category, but that's before David Goyer decided to ruin his own hard work building up a successful series of action flicks with a grade A clunker. AVP wasn't really doing much more than flogging two horses that died of natural causes some time ago, but Blade Trinity is guilty of first degree francisicide. Still, comic book heroes never really die so perhaps the Blade series will survive this mishap.
Strangest Garden in a motion picture - Strange Gardens
Rightly, or as it turned out wrongly last year was labelled the Year of The Matrix, this year will have to be remembered as the year of the strange garden movie. While there have been many worth challengers, notably Shaddam Atriedes's Bizarre Estate and enfante terrible Harkonnen McG's controversial Weird Flowerbed, the award must clearly go to the film that launched a thousand imitators, Jean Becker's Strange Gardens. Respect.
Most uplifting ending - Dogville
There's a fake out moment at the end of Von Trier's marathon allegory where you may think it's about to become the least satisfactory conclusion to a movie since the money ran out in Robocop 3. Gloriously, it's just playing with you and Nicole Kidman's character takes the necessary steps to make matters right after her disturbing experience at the hands of the Dogvillians. Natural justice at it's finest and the best acting 'moment' Kidman has ever given us.
An ending is as good a place as any to end, as a wise man once said. May the year ahead bring us all as many memorable and enjoyable moments inside the hallowed ground of the multiplexes around the world. We'll be back presenting these prestigious Twatties next year and we hope you'll join us for them. Hell, at least you're spared Billy Crystal singing with us.