I like Japanese cinema. I like all kinds of cinema in fact, but there's something especially alluring about Chow Yun Fat diving over tables firing two handguns or Jet Li calmly staving someone's head in. As a result of this I've bought more than a few discs straight from Hong Kong that either ain't out here or have been otherwise ruined by overzealous dubbing. One of the few downsides to this is that the cover art is uniformly horrible, really cheap and nasty looking. The same dubious quality control extends to the blurb on the back cover, that seems to have to have been translated into a good few other languages before it gets to English. Now I don't want to seem too churlish, after all their English is better than my Cantonese but you'd think if they were going to offer discs in more than one language it'd make sense to have it checked over by someone with a passing acquaintance of the language. In honour of this fine tradition, we present a few of the ropier examples currently laying around Chez Oneliner
Hero Shed No Tears:
John Woo's little excursion into Vietnam won't be held up by many as his best film, but there's a little more to it than the box blurb would suggest. Grammar aside it's accurate, but a somewhat boiled down version that makes sure to blow any surprises the film has in store by telling you a potted version of every major event...
"CIA goes to retired soldier Kao for getting the drug king in return of taking his son and sister-in-law. So Kao and a few friends get back to Thailand. On the journey Koa runs into hostile Vietnamese soldiers. A Vietnamese killer finds the sister-in-law and kills her. Koa kills the killer and recaptures the drug king. The CIA makes good its promise. A warship is waiting for them."
Story Of Ricky
Nothing wrong with this description as such, but given the extreme violence and general insanity that the film is legendary for it seems to sell itself rather short. You'd think it'd at least mention the people being fed into a grinder, the punches that decapitate people and the Warden's habit of keeping mints inside his glass eye.
"Ricky is sent to prison. In the jail, he sees the prisoners being exploited and tortured by chief warden Cobra. Ricky decides to stand up against them. After many setbacks, Ricky gets the support of the other prisoners..."
Audition
Perhaps Takashi Miike's most immediately accessible story of recent years, Audition is a terribly good film as you can read in my review if you want further details. It's only flaw in the region three release from our perspective is the shoddy subtitling that it's received, and unfortunately the same scattergun approach has been given to the cover.
"A producer, whose wife was dead seven years ago, wants to enjoy the marriage again. At a casting meet, he is deeply attracted by a pretty and decent young lady. He swears to love her wholeheartedly. But he just can't imagine that this woman, looking innocent, is a horrible and bloody maniac instead. He has never been that scaring and painful..."
Ichi The Killer
Another slice of Miike madness, with more blood being spilt than an explosion in an abattoir. Nothing too reprehensible here, but it does seem like they take the 'turning the town upside down' thing almost literally and I'm damned if I can remember what's so mysterious about being a club hostess.
"One day, Boss Anjo of the powerful yakuza group "The Anjo Group" vanishes, together with one hundred million yen. In fact, Boss Anjo was assassinated by the killer Ichi, with the bloodbath masterminded by Jijii. Kakihara, a member of the Anjo Group, orders his crew to search for the boss, basically turning the town upside down. With the help of the mysterious club hostess Karen, Kakihara gets closer to finding Jijii's hired killer, Ichi..."
Uzumaki:
A bizarre Japanese horror movie of sorts that isn't so much scary as very, very, very, very, very, very, very odd. I'm planning on doing a review of this as soon as I can work out exactly what in the name of all that is holy is going on in it, which should be sometime in 2034. If nothing else, you'll get the general idea that whirlpools are bad from the blurb although why you should find 'whirlpool-like hair' terrifying beyond all conception is something I can't tell you.
"A pretty high school girl is got involved in a series of ghostly and horrible tragedies which all relate to the strange whirlpool phenomena: a whirlpool maniac; a evil girl swallowed by the whirlpool; and a whirlpool-like hair. No one know the truth behind the scenes. How can this poor high school girl escape from the entanglement of the terrible whirlpool?"
We'll keep an eye out for more of this questionable pseudo English and keep you posted. If you've any suggestions, why not mail us and we'll add it to our list.